A year ago on this day I sat in the congregation crying and wishing that I had just stayed home. Growing up I had always planned on having biological children. I guess I just took it for granted that I would be able to have them. I certainly never pictured myself sitting in a church service crying over a day meant to honor women who all had what I didn't. Before the years of trying, hoping, believing I could be pregnant only to find out I wasn't, crying on Mike's shoulders month after month while working to keep myself from being bitter,
I never knew that the ache to have a child could be this strong.
Nine months ago we received the call from our adoption attorney that we had been matched with a birthmom due in January. Could it be true? Was someone actually willing to make that ultimate sacrifice of love and give us the opportunity, privilege and responsibility to rear her baby? We were on cloud nine. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I admit that I was getting more and more excited by the day. Then on September 21st, I received the call from our adoption attorney. Our birthmom had had complications. Our baby was stillborn. She told that it was a girl. Later when I spoke to the birthmom she told me that she named the girl Angel. We wept. We ached. Friends consoled, people prayed, but the loss was still overwhelming. She was never a part of my body, but my heart already loved her.
I never knew that losing a baby would hurt this much.
On September 29th, our attorney called and asked if we would be willing to have our profile shown again. They had another birthmom and she was due in just about a month. We decided to have them show our profile. I thanked God at the time knowing that even if she didn't choose us, the HOPE that there could be another baby was very encouraging when before that call I really just wanted to lie in bed for 2 weeks and cry it out. She picked us. We had hope that we would have a baby of our own in just about a month. I was pessimistic. I was prepared that something would go wrong. I was nervous when we met her because I was sure she wouldn't like me. I was sure she would change her mind. She didn't. On October 17th, we got the phone call that she went to the hospital (10 days earlier than the scheduled C-section).
I never knew that the anticipation could be so intense and the waiting so nerve-wracking.
The birthmom's mother called Mike. She said "you have a beautiful baby boy." I cried. A lot. We told our family and friends. We named him Jonathan David. 48 hours began. They let us see him when he was just two hours old. He was tiny. We couldn't hold him since he was under the warmer. I rubbed him lightly with my finger. I cried. Again. We prayed that she wouldn't change her mind. We spent Saturday taking care of him in the nursery of the hospital and Sunday praying that he would truly be ours.I never knew that he would instantly change our lives forever.We took him home. We survived the middle-of-the-night feedings, the gag me 50 wipes needed gross diapers and the adjustments of being new parents. He ate, he slept, he filled his diapers. We took pictures upon pictures.
I never knew that I would love Mike even more once I saw him in the role of Daddy.
He grew. Little by little our baby was becoming a little boy. He started looking around intentionally. Then one day, he smiled. And again, and again and again he smiled. Now he giggles. He sees his Daddy and sometimes explodes in giggles.
I never knew the smile of my little one would light up my whole world and make even a bad day good.
As I sat in church this Mother's Day, I relished in the fact that I am now a Mommy. But as I sat there I began thinking of others. Having walked the road before, I prayed for any in that service who might be feeling as I did last year. I thought of a few friends who would have a rough day today and prayed for them. I thanked God for the gift of Jonathan David. I prayed that nothing will get in the way of the finalization that is scheduled for 16 days from today. I praise God for what He has done in and through us this past year. I praise Him for providing for us so we could pay adoption fees and I know that He will continue to provide for us until the day it is paid off. I thank God for friends who have been there and have been an amazing source of encouragement over the past few years.
I never knew that being a Mommy would be one of the best things in the world to happen to me.
I realized this morning that I had posted on Facebook about the finalization but not here. I am so glad we were warned that it would be short. The other family who was also finalizing that day had different expectations and I think they were a little in shock over how quickly everything was done. We got in there, were sworn in and within less than 10 minutes both finalizations were completed, including pictures with the judge. Yes, it is a little anti-climatic, but that really doesn't take away from the sweetness of the day and the reality that Jonathan is ours. 
