Here we go again!

This is Michael.

This morning when my employees came to work one of them came and asked me that if she got pregnant would we want the baby. I said that I would bring it up to Sandra. I know that the employee's heart is clearly in the right place. She has a strong desire to possibly help those that cannot have children by being the vessel. It was obviously something that we, for a short time, thought about seriously considering.

Then around lunchtime the attorney's office called and said that they had a new birth mother that they were going to meet and wanted to show our profile to her. We said ok, but obviously we lacked much of the contained enthusiasm from the previous profile viewing.

She called back later that afternoon and said that the birth mother chose us. So we are very cautiously approaching this process. Most of the caution is from a financial stance, so we are going to look at everything closely, but we think that things should work out well enough. So here is the information we know so far:

* Mother is caucasian, dad is an illegal immigrant =)
* Mother is 35, light skin, blueish/green eyes, light brown hair 125 lbs. (pre-pregnancy)
* Mother has twin boys, 2.5 years old who are a handful, which is why she is choosing to put the baby up for adoption
* Mother is "due" October 27 - yes, I know =)
* Not sure, but it may be a boy. Two sonograms have been done, but have not been able to verify the gender of the child
* This Wednesday she will go to her doctors appointment and they will schedule the C-section, so we will have a definite date and time planned in advance (which Sandra is really happy about).
*She is planning to have the C-section at Brandon Regional hospital

We are surely going to take this moment by moment, but wanted to share with everyone we could the latest news. Will keep you posted. Thanks again for your prayers during the last whirlwind 8 days.

This is Sandra.

Amazed...that is all I can say. God is good all the time. He had a perfect plan even when we were going through all the emotions of this past week. I almost cannot fathom that His plan might include us being parents within the next month. Thank you for your prayers. Please continue on. We will keep you updated as we know more.

God is good...all the time...especially when I hurt...and when His plan is to turn those tears to rejoicing in such a short period of time I can only praise Him more.

There is no doubt that this was all part of His plan and that He is in control. There is nothing else to do but to give Him glory in this situation.

Update

I want to say a heart-felt thank you to all that have responded so openly to Sandra with emails, cards, words of encouragement and most-appreciated prayer. It has been very obvious that people have been praying for us. It is such a wonderful spirit lifter knowing that no matter how low, hurt and discouraged we can get in life, knowing that we all have a LIVING God that not only hears our hearts cry, but desires to heal our hurts. We may not see that "Balm of Gilead" (that Pastor Stockard mentioned) immediately, but we know that His way and timing is perfect.

Well, I must say that this week has been one for the record books. When Sandra called and told me the news last Sunday all I could say to her was that I was sorry that this happened. I knew of nothing else to say to somehow comfort the heart of my wife that was just ripped out and stomped upon so mercilessly.

I then began to make calls. I was able to call only a few people that I could think of at that time. The hardest one to talk to was Kristin, my sister. I did not think I was as emotionally attached to this adoption process as I guess I am. It was so difficult to tell her that the baby we had been praying for, the one that we felt God was bringing to us special delivery was suddenly gone.

I made only a few other phone calls before I had to stop. I still had to drive home so that I could be with Sandra. On the way one of the phone calls I had left a message with returned my call. It was to James who was one of the few that I could think of to call - mainly because they had gone through a fairly similar ordeal (though I think theirs was more difficult). I knew deep down that they would understand the roller coaster that we had just been forced upon, and would be one of the few that we could go to as we dealt with this going forward.

This week has been good to finally get through. We both stayed busy. Sandra had three volleyball games (they won them all!!! YEAH!!!), practice and a two days helping her sister in Kissimmee. I went to work as usual. Several of my clients knew that we were in the process of adopting so they would routinely seek updates. I like to get fairly personal with my clients. This creates a bond with them that helps to keep them using us.

Then we got some more bad news from the attorneys office. We knew that we were going to be getting back any money that was left over so that we could try to press on when the next baby came along. It was a complete shock to me when they told us we would be getting back less than 1/3 of what we put into it. It was like pouring salt into a fresh wound and then hitting it over and over again. Those of you that know I cut my forehead about 2 weeks ago know that I got stitches. Well, in order for them to do that they had to numb the wound. That meant sticking a needle in the wound and injecting solution. That was nothing compared to the pain of finding out about the low amount of refund.

Well, we went to the football game that night. It was Sr. Appreciation Night and we wanted to be there to support her girls. After halftime Sandra went and spoke to James' wife, Erica. There was much crying, but I think it was good for Sandra to open up to someone that understood where she was at in the grieving process. There are just some things that a woman can't communicate to her husband and she needs that connection with someone that can relate. I am so thankful that James and Erica have made themselves available to us. Their help is not lost in the emotions.

Tomorrow is going to be the first Sunday back since we got "The Call". It is going to be difficult for Sandra tomorrow as I am sure there will be alot of crying, hugs, etc. This will definitely help in the healing process as people will rally around her, but it will be difficult.

As we move forward please pray for the following:

1. That we will be able to move on in the healing process and not be stuck in the Anger Stage.

2. We would be able to sort out the refund issue as we are having a difficult time accepting that they could have spent that much money is so little time. Pray that we will approach them in the right spirit as we want to keep our testimony with the attorney's office.

3. The birth mother. She is out of work and therefore does not have income to pay for bills that we would normally have helped her with in this process. She is also grieving. Even though she was not going to keep the baby, she still lost a part of her.

4. There may be some legal ramifications towards the hospital/doctor(s). This may be a long process.

5. Us as we try to figure out the next steps to take for adoption. We want to keep going, but funds and trust are severely lacking.

If you know of anyone that is thinking of putting their baby up for adoption and you would think it would be a good match, please let us know. We have another attorney that will be a lot cheaper if we could bring the birthmom to her.

Again, a huge thank you for all your prayers and support. Please keep us in your prayers as this is going to be a long healing process.

Michael

God's Grace

Isn't it amazing how God's grace abounds when you need it the most? I guess it shouldn't be amazing to me, but it is. I'm so thankful for His comfort. I'm also thankful for the prayers, love and support shown by friends and family throughout this time. Thank you for holding us up in your prayers. We truly can feel God's grace at work.

We received among several emails an email with the words to a song in it. While I do not normally listen to the group who performs this song, I have chosen to receive comfort from the words. Maybe you have a storm in your life that you have the opportunity to praise God through...

"Praise You In This Storm" (by Casting Crowns)
I was sure by now, God,
You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say
"Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear
Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear
You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Here are some verses that have also been a blessing to me in the past few days...
II Corinthians 4:16-18
"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Psalm 27:13
"I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

In Need of Prayer

I sit here at the computer with aching heart and weeping eyes. We just received word that this weekend our baby was stillborn. The birthmom had an infection and was put on medication. They thought all was fine, but she was experiencing some difficulties on Saturday and ended up in the hospital. Her water broke and the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and there was nothing they could do. We found out today our baby was going to be a little girl.

Though she was never a part of my body and I didn't even know if she was a boy or girl, she was still mine in my heart. I had imagined holding our baby, caring for our baby, watching Mike be an awesome dad, and having the awesome responsibility and privilege to rear her to be Christ-like.

Please pray for us. God is good all the time even when I hurt. He does have a plan and a purpose and while I know this to be true, that does not change the fact that my heart will still ache for the baby we never were even able to meet and my eyes will still weep.

Pressing On

The girls are pressing on. We were able to beat the undefeated team on Tuesday. I made a few more changes to the team and the six girls who were on the court for the first game worked together very well. We continue to work.

Thanks for your encouragement, everyone. It is true that you often learn more about yourself and your relationship with God when you are in the valley when you are on the mountain. I'm hoping that through sports, I can teach the girls more about where to turn both in the valley and on the mountain and how to relate to other things in life.

Roller Coaster

Yep, that is how I can best describe our volleyball team this year. We go from a really high moment to a really low moment. We are so far 5-3. The sad part is that we really should be 7-1 (the other team would have taken a championship effort to beat). The two matches that we have lost have both had highs in the middle, preceded and followed by super low lows. In the first match we lost, we beat the other team 25-9 in the second game of the match. In rally scoring, keeping the opponent to less than 10 points requires that you keep the "side outs" to a minimum. Realistically if you can beat a team 25-9, you should never lose a match to that team. Granted, we missed 25 serves that match, so in that aspect we deserved to lose.

Last night we played a team that we had previously beaten earlier this season. We lost the first two games of the match. The third game they suddenly decided they were going to play and beat the team 25-13 only to come back and let the other team beat them in the fourth game.

Honestly, this is the most frustrating season I have ever coached. We started out so solidly in the pre-season tournament in Kissimmee where we won the championship. Then our first game was on August 25th. By the end of next Thursday, we will have played 13 out of 18 conference games for the entire season with only 3 practices. Then, from September 26-October 28, we will have the other five games and 13 more practices. Regardless of the fact that the girls need to execute better, playing that much of the season with only three practices makes it very hard for me as a coach to have the opportunity to fix the issues they are having. We are going to have to somehow find an adjustment for next year's schedule. To be fair to our athletic director, there are some things he cannot control (we can't have games on Friday's because of football - something I'm going to try to renegotiate to be able to have home volleyball games on Friday when football is away, we can't have games during the PBC mission's conference or the school Band Festival, we can't have games during the end of the football homecoming week, and there are two no school days in October due to teacher conference or something like that).

However, more than my frustration due to the schedule and lack of practice, I just am really struggling with finding the "magic button" to push with this team to make them do what they know they need to do. I've tried every method I've ever used successfully in the past, completely without success for this team. I've prayed for the girls as individuals and their relationships with each other. I've prayed for wisdom in my decisions and how to handle them. I've tried subbing, giving extra "bench time" to help focus. I've tried running them to death for their 25 missed serves in one match. I've tried changing the order of the lineup. I've tried switching entire offenses from using two setters to using one setter. I've tried using more encouragement based timeouts and coaching. I've tried using more disappointment/pull-it-together-now-or-else based timeouts and coaching.

Seriously I'm at the end of my rope. I've never so much felt like quitting anything in my entire life. I'm NOT going to, but I totally feel like it. So today, we try again. We face a team that is undefeated so far. I'm making another change to see if somehow that is the magic. Maybe I need to have a revival service with them and tell them that I want whoever has the sin in the camp to deal with it so we can start winning again. :)

Thanks for listening to me vent. If you think of it, please pray for me that I'll have wisdom and please pray that no matter whether we win or we lose (though I really would rather win) that our attitudes (both inward and outward) will bring honor and glory to God and will represent Providence well.

An Interesting Morning

I remember feeling Mike get up out of bed. He does this each morning. I roll myself over on to his side of the bed (because I like it better) and go back to sleep. Usually he spends a few minutes waking up and then puts the dogs out. So it was no surprise when a few minutes later a couple of the dogs started barking. I thought Mike might be outside playing with the big dogs and the small dogs were barking because they were excited and wanted to be outside with them. They barked for at least a few minutes and I was getting ready to get up and deal with them when I heard Mike say something to them. I figured he was outside and was yelling in to tell them to be quiet.

A few minutes later, Mike opened the door and told me he needed me to get up and help him. He left the door open and headed towards the bathroom. I got up and as soon as I walked out of the bedroom, Mike told me that he needed me to stop and to be calm, okay? Okay. Still waking out of sleep, I trudged toward the bathroom, but was instantly alert when I saw the pile of blood on the floor. I asked what happened and he told me that he would tell me in a moment. He then turned towards me and I saw a large gash above his forehead and blood all over his face. YUCK! So I got out some towels and helped him get things cleaned up. Then he sat down so I could look at it. The bleeding seemed to be stopping, but it was still a big cut.

He had been feeling lightheaded and had already gotten down on the floor once and put his feet up to try to make that lightheaded feeling go away. He thought he was feeling better and got up. He doesn't remember passing out, but must have and hit his head on the bathroom counter (we are assuming). This must have been what the dogs heard and why they were barking, but I didn't realize that. He woke up on his own on the floor in his blood. Again - YUCK!

So, since the cut was on his head, I didn't feel great about just butterfly bandaging it. We decided to go to the 24 hour clinic to see if he needed stitches. I went to get changed and at this time noticed that it was like 2:10 in the morning! This whole time I had thought it was later, so this was a shock to me.

Of course, we got to the clinic to see that they were not indeed open 24 hours. So, we went to the hospital emergency room. Believe it or not, we were only there for a little over 2 hours. They did an EKG to see if his heart rhythm affected his passing out. Cleared that! WHOHOO. They did a CT scan to make sure that he hadn't hurt himself more when he fell. Cleared that! WHOHOO. They gave him a Tetanus shot because he hadn't had one in more than five years. And finally - they gave him 6 stitches in his forehead.

Unfortunately he still had to go to work today. One of his co-owners was on vacation today, so they needed him to be in the office. I wasn't thrilled with that, but I called him and he is doing okay - just needed pain killer for the headache.

We plan to spend the weekend mostly inside the house and I'll get to take care of him. Whohoo! Praise the Lord it wasn't worse. I'm almost thankful that I didn't find him lying on the floor in a pool of blood. I think I totally would have freaked out. At least this way he was able to warn me and ask me to be calm.

He's Home!

YAY! Mike arrived home this evening and it is so nice to have him back. He spent the weekend up in Georgia with his sister, Kristin, and her family. He left on Friday morning to go up there and spend some time with them as well as help them with training a new to their family dog. Apparently it went really well.

Mostly I'm just happy to have him back home. This was the first time in our marriage when he has left and I've been the one staying behind. There have been 4 other times when I left and he stayed behind. It was just harder to be the one still here. I missed him as I went through our daily schedule without him. I guess the good news is that I was crazy busy and spent a lot of time in Kissimmee helping my sister.

So anyway...happy to have him home. Hoping we don't have to be separate again anytime in the near future.